Motivation – it’s a funny thing. Atleast I find it that way. I would say it’s the driving factor for life. No matter what or where a person is, if he has no motivation then he can never do anything. Success or failure is a different thing but without motivation, he can barely start on anything. Even if he does things, he never does them the way he expects from himself or the way he usually does. No matter what the peers rate him, even if its high, he never gets the satisfaction of doing something. After all, its his satisfaction that matters because without it, he slowly kills his soul. I don’t know what the experts say as I don’t read all that motivational crap but I can say this and argue on it anytime.
Hatred drove me for a major part of my life (life till now i.e., :P). It was hatred that drove me to my goal. It was hatred that gave me satisfaction. It was hatred and anger that kept me awake and focused. Nah!! I am not a terrorist or a rebel. But yes, hatred drove me. Hatred gave me recognition, fame and knowledge. Hatred made me beat everything that was thrown at me, except 2 things. But that’s insignificant compared to the remaining part. I was always on the alert and ready to fight. Infact, I think I love hatred. I miss it so much. With it, things would have been excellent – much better than the “very good” that they are now. I can say that that part of my life when hatred drove me was by far the most satisfying. I had everything back then – fun, motivation, affection, friends, gurus, mentors, coaches, everything.
I hated some people in my life back then. Hated them so much that I would do whatever I could, to beat them, to see them being proved wrong, to see them lose, to see them remorse for their doings (or words). I often made them feel that way and I was good at it. That was my goal and I never wavered from it no matter what other activities I did. I was able to do everything that I wanted and still be able to make them feel that way. There was still so much free time. And whatever that came to me in the process was not what I was looking at. – it was only seeing them proved wrong. Today, I feel it was good that way. I was alert all the time, waiting for them to make a mistake, looking for a chance to pounce on them – but now….. I don’t care…..
Because after sometime, I decided to give up on hatred. Partly because of the persistent counseling given by people of hatred being bad and etc etc and partly because I felt that things other than hatred would motivate me better. I saw cases where love and affection drove people better than hatred and I thought love or affection would drive me better too. But that was not all, there was actually no one to hate anymore. I did not hate my competitors cause they were my friends and they had nothing in them to hate. Also I didn’t want to hate others cause I had changed now. Not that I liked them but I didn’t care them anymore. It didn’t matter what they thought or rated. It didn’t matter at all. All that mattered was my satisfaction and me beating my own self. That was mostly because of me idolizing Kimi more than anything else. His attitude towards the outside world was too good not to adopt. That was what changed me. I decided to hell with the outside world. It was my insides and how they felt that mattered. And for that I chose to motivate myself with love, affection and attachment.
The problem was I didn’t find them enough. Rather whatever I have in terms of love in my life was and is not giving me as much fuel to burn my fire as hatred used to give me. That might also be because of me idolizing Kimi. Maybe I am too detached from the outside world. Maybe I need to get back to what I was. I know I cant stay in this cocoon for long. Its not good for me and I need to change because I am sure it will become irreversible after sometime. Unfortunately there is nothing to draw me out of this. I thought I had found something recently that might do it but it was actually a mirage that turned out to be nothing when I tried to grab it. I really thought it could change my life by changing my motivation but I was wrong, again. Now I can neither hate it or love it cause it was never the thing that I thought it was. I was not looking at it properly. It was a trick of the mind.
Hatred was like rocket fuel and love is like Extra Premium or Shell Super. There is a lot of difference in the energy output of these two fuels and I can sense it. December 2004 was when I changed fuels and its been 4 years since I have done something that has satisfied me. I regret it and I don’t think I did the right thing back then. I want to change things and I have one last chance to do it. I have decided to do it with this low energy fuel to motivate me cause I don’t even have a choice as I know that it will take a miracle or something of that type to bring so much extra love for something/someone in my life that would motivate me as much as hatred used. I don’t believe in miracles as statistics speak for themselves. So there’s no reason to believe that will happen. I have to do good with what I have and make the best of the situation, make sure I reach my destination and don’t end up in the middle of nowhere…..because if I wont be able to do what I’ve set out to do than it will definitely hurt me….
Will I find some extra love, affection, attachment to motivate me and will I be able to get everything other than hatred back into me only time will tell….will I reach my destination or will my tank run empty????
Even I don’t know……
Hatred drove me for a major part of my life (life till now i.e., :P). It was hatred that drove me to my goal. It was hatred that gave me satisfaction. It was hatred and anger that kept me awake and focused. Nah!! I am not a terrorist or a rebel. But yes, hatred drove me. Hatred gave me recognition, fame and knowledge. Hatred made me beat everything that was thrown at me, except 2 things. But that’s insignificant compared to the remaining part. I was always on the alert and ready to fight. Infact, I think I love hatred. I miss it so much. With it, things would have been excellent – much better than the “very good” that they are now. I can say that that part of my life when hatred drove me was by far the most satisfying. I had everything back then – fun, motivation, affection, friends, gurus, mentors, coaches, everything.
I hated some people in my life back then. Hated them so much that I would do whatever I could, to beat them, to see them being proved wrong, to see them lose, to see them remorse for their doings (or words). I often made them feel that way and I was good at it. That was my goal and I never wavered from it no matter what other activities I did. I was able to do everything that I wanted and still be able to make them feel that way. There was still so much free time. And whatever that came to me in the process was not what I was looking at. – it was only seeing them proved wrong. Today, I feel it was good that way. I was alert all the time, waiting for them to make a mistake, looking for a chance to pounce on them – but now….. I don’t care…..
Because after sometime, I decided to give up on hatred. Partly because of the persistent counseling given by people of hatred being bad and etc etc and partly because I felt that things other than hatred would motivate me better. I saw cases where love and affection drove people better than hatred and I thought love or affection would drive me better too. But that was not all, there was actually no one to hate anymore. I did not hate my competitors cause they were my friends and they had nothing in them to hate. Also I didn’t want to hate others cause I had changed now. Not that I liked them but I didn’t care them anymore. It didn’t matter what they thought or rated. It didn’t matter at all. All that mattered was my satisfaction and me beating my own self. That was mostly because of me idolizing Kimi more than anything else. His attitude towards the outside world was too good not to adopt. That was what changed me. I decided to hell with the outside world. It was my insides and how they felt that mattered. And for that I chose to motivate myself with love, affection and attachment.
The problem was I didn’t find them enough. Rather whatever I have in terms of love in my life was and is not giving me as much fuel to burn my fire as hatred used to give me. That might also be because of me idolizing Kimi. Maybe I am too detached from the outside world. Maybe I need to get back to what I was. I know I cant stay in this cocoon for long. Its not good for me and I need to change because I am sure it will become irreversible after sometime. Unfortunately there is nothing to draw me out of this. I thought I had found something recently that might do it but it was actually a mirage that turned out to be nothing when I tried to grab it. I really thought it could change my life by changing my motivation but I was wrong, again. Now I can neither hate it or love it cause it was never the thing that I thought it was. I was not looking at it properly. It was a trick of the mind.
Hatred was like rocket fuel and love is like Extra Premium or Shell Super. There is a lot of difference in the energy output of these two fuels and I can sense it. December 2004 was when I changed fuels and its been 4 years since I have done something that has satisfied me. I regret it and I don’t think I did the right thing back then. I want to change things and I have one last chance to do it. I have decided to do it with this low energy fuel to motivate me cause I don’t even have a choice as I know that it will take a miracle or something of that type to bring so much extra love for something/someone in my life that would motivate me as much as hatred used. I don’t believe in miracles as statistics speak for themselves. So there’s no reason to believe that will happen. I have to do good with what I have and make the best of the situation, make sure I reach my destination and don’t end up in the middle of nowhere…..because if I wont be able to do what I’ve set out to do than it will definitely hurt me….
Will I find some extra love, affection, attachment to motivate me and will I be able to get everything other than hatred back into me only time will tell….will I reach my destination or will my tank run empty????
Even I don’t know……
Never knew you could hate anyone...hmmm..now I know your other side.
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